so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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