Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
