I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
