you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
