I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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