I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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