i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize