apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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