My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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