I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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