I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
