I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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