You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
