how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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