i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize