Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He passed out mid-signature
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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