Ambien. No doubt about it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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