i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
