Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
