I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
