remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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