having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
