my phone needs a breathalizer
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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