I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
