i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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