I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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