my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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