I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
