I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
