I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
