UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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