the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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