Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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