I think my fart just growled at me.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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