we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
