i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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