Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
