She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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