Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
