Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We left the knife in your bed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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