he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You are a genius and a whore.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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