I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
