Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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