Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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