I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Quick, to the slutcave!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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