and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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