...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
