I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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