It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
