question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
