I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She's the barista slut.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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