shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
