I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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