i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
