One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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