Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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