I cockslap morals
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I am midnight drunk by noon
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
All the doctor said was why
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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