Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
