don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
