I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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