my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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