I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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