Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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