a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
