So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
