Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
