Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
