a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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