i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
