I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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